Most Casual Observer

Saving the planet one milliwatt at a time.

2008-05-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Here is a story I have already heard enough of and it hasn't even been fully played out of the Today show yet. This 'energy vampire' thing that NBC rammed down our throats during Green Week. Apparently, appliances that are not in use use electricity to run the clocks and save your settings. No surprise there. According to one article, it is usually "between 0.5 and 25 watts, though it can reach 50 watts or more in some cases". That's a pretty big range. I guess Europe should unplug CERN when they're not using it.

This is a great saver of electricity, I'm sure. Maybe not as much as shutting off your TV for an hour. Like during "America's Got Talent"? Or for the first 35 minutes of "Deal or No Deal"? I guess that's not the kind of energy NBC wants to conserve.

This penny-wise, pound-foolish attitude toward energy conservation is bringing me down. How about we ban NASCAR for a year? That would save more energy than just about anything I can think of. In addition to 250 miles of high-octane left turns, you also have the 35,000 cars that drive to see them each week. Many in 8-mile-to-the-gallon Winnebagos.

I drive a 4-cylinder car and only enter the highway when the on-ramp is down hill. I think I can afford to leave the clock on my microwave on.

A different kind of bailout

2008-04-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I am in favor of personal responsibility. When I make mistakes, I try not to pass the buck. I've made some doozies. Somehow this attitude makes successes seem sweeter. I think this would be a good attitude for the Michigan Democratic party to adopt.

They are continuing to seek a bailout for their intentional flouting of the Democratic National Committees rules. After being told in no uncertain terms that their delegates would not count if they moved their primary ahead of February 8th, what did they do? Oh, they moved it ahead. Now, the person who followed the rules (Barack Obama) is getting screwed. Sound familiar?

Obama withdrew his name from the ballot. Hillary Rodham Win-at-all-costs Clinton did not. Now Michigan wants to "compromise" and get their votes to count. Of course, this would lead to a Clinton win in Michigan. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain my ears would endure from the apocalyptically shrill protest Hillary would be putting up right now if the situation was reversed. If she had followed the rules and Obama had stayed on the ballot, there would be such unbelievable indignation right now. (Maybe that's redundant. Nothing she says is believable, least of all the indignation.)

I am opposed to this bailout. However, I will concede the point on one condition: every member of the Michigan Democratic Party leadership must resign and vow (for whatever a Democratic politician's vow is worth) never to run for a leadership post again. Accountability: it's not just for other people any more.

Inciting madness

2008-04-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

There are thousands of problems in the world. Probably millions. Some are important enough for First World governments to tackle. Some are not. One that France has decided to tackle is skinny supermodels. I'm not kidding, see for yourself. I understand that this is a very serious problem affecting literally tens of people.

The fine, according to the article would be up to $47,000 ( I guess it's a Euro conversion thing). The problem is that this small of a fine will do nothing to dissuade the real culprits: The World Health Organization and the U.S. National Institutes of Health. If you want a real threat to people's body image, you need to look farther than Sports Illustrated. You need to look at the criminals purporting the Body Mass Index as a yardstick for health.

Body Mass Index (BMI) is about as comprehensive a tool for prescribing healthy weight as earth, air, wind and fire are at describing the elements. For those of you who don't know how it works, BMI takes your weight, divides it by the square of your height to give a number. If that number is over 25, the person is overweight. Parameters like muscle mass and bone size are ignored. Almost every NFL running back is "obese" according to BMI. I don't just mean Ron Dayne, I mean LaDanian Tomlinson.

So at any opportunity the media will grant them, the NIH will rail about the obesity problem and how it is getting worse. An especially misleading statistic is how many more Americans are overweight now compared to 1997. Do they mention that they lowered the threshold for healthy weight in 1998? Noooo.

I will stipulate that fashion shows do promote crazy body image. They also promote clothes that Caligula would have thought was bizarre. I don't think young women see a waif model wearing nothing but duct tape and emu feathers and think "that's what I want to look like". However, if professional boxer Laila Ali is overweight according to BMI, we have bigger problems than emu feathers.

The crackpot calling the kettle black

2008-04-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

Deprived of headlines bearing his name for almost four years, Pennsylvania Representative John Murtha tried to get back to relevancy this week by stating that John McCain was too old to be President. Now, since Murtha is four years older than McCain, I guess his point is that the presidency is a tough job and being a Congressman is just about the fat expense account and the bribes (for you youngsters, Google "Abscam").

This reminds me of Chuck Norris' similar statements about McCain's age. Hey Chuck, I don't remember John McCain remarking publicly that you were too old in 1990. You remember, when you played a member of Delta Force at age 50. Or that the mandatory retirement age for Texas Rangers is 55, not 61.

But both of these clowns' statements are indicative of a more sinister problem. Since not one word has been made public from the AARP condemning these opinions, I guess the White-Haired Mafia is fine with this view. I guess their position is that old people really are good for little else than driving slow, eating early and collecting their entitlements. If the AARP has one ounce of credibility, it would be admonishing these two.

The Subprime Crisis: Coming to a Banana Republic near you

2008-04-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

Raul Castro is pushing forward with some "reforms" in Cuba. No, not free elections or relaxing of price controls. Important things like allowing Cubans to stay in hotels. I guess this used to be illegal. According to the AP, the former policy was "despised across the island". Odd since one night in a hotel can cost 9 months of wages. Oh well, I guess if we outlawed brand new dualie pick-up trucks in poorer parts of Arkansas, people would be mad too.

Further reforms include allowing Cubans to own cell phones. This is an actual reform. However, considering it was announced along with relaxation of rules about owning computers, DVD-players and plasma TVs, I got to thinking about the implications. Something that led to the credit crisis in the U.S. was the idea that plasma TVs and Moto RAZRs were entitlements of the working class.

I have no data to back this up, but I would bet a DVD player that many "distressed families" (populist lingo for financially illiterate) in the U.S. have a big-screen TV of some kind and several cell phone plans. I guess they deserve a bail-out so as not to have to sell that TV on Craig's List. Note to self: when you launch your bank, secure major electronics as collateral from mortgage holders.

So I say "Good luck, Cubans!". In case the fine print fools you, you can not afford a $29.95/month cell phone plan if you only make $20 per month.

Nor any drop to drink

2008-03-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

This "drugs in the water supply" story is starting to bug me. The Associated Press did a story recently that many news outlets have picked up on. Apparently, there are trace amounts of pharmaceuticals in reservoirs like Lake Mead. Since many Americans are over-medicated, this doesn't strike me as odd. Everybody's shit stinks and everybody's pee contains some of what they ingested. Duh?

I know I am starting to sound like a broken record when I identify the news media as fear-mongers. However, this story is over the top. The story focuses on the fact that substances "have been identified" in the water. No mention is made of whether this is parts-per-billion or parts-per-trillion. The AP was very pleased with itself that it found drugs "including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilisers and sex hormones". To compound the horror, they mention "authorities routinely fail to tell the public".

My local authorities, like many others, publish a yearly review of water quality. They tell me the precise parts-per-billion of important toxins like lead, arsenic and cyanide. But those bastards are not telling me how much Viagra is in my water. Or how much Xanax. All things considered, I'm voting they stay the current course.

Despite repeated assurances from several "scientists" that the amounts were so minuscule as to be unharmful, the AP story has to end on a sensationalist note: "Pregnant women, the elderly and the very ill might be more sensitive".

Aren't these the people contaminating our water to begin with?!?

Running with the Devil

2008-03-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you that TiVo everything, you may be missing out on some good commercials. For example, you may have missed the one about the dangers of RLS. An acronym for a medical condition? How shocking! (see LMNOP) It stands for Restless Leg Syndrome. Not Regressive Liver Syndrome, not Reduced Lymph System. Restless frickin' legs.

But don't worry. There's a medicine for it (Mirapex)! You can take the medicine if you don't want to take other extreme measures like (and these are directly from Mirapex site) cutting down on caffeine, doing light exercise or staying mentally occupied with a book or crossword puzzle. Wow, I wouldn't want to do any of those.

Fortunately, I don't have to. I can take Mirapex instead. Instead of the inconvenience of physical or mental exercise, I can look forward to these symptoms. (No, I'm not joking. They're on the website too.)

Nausea
Headache
Tiredness

I am just getting warmed up!

Falling asleep while doing normal activities like driving
experiencing hallucinations
becoming dizzy when standing up
Compulsive gambling, eating or sex drive

I think I'll keep my restless legs or, heaven forbid, do a Sudoku.

It's the Dollar, stupid!

2008-03-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

Oil is $110 a barrel. You can not watch the news without hearing this. "Everything costs more when oil prices go up!" Well, that's true. Shamefully, a key factor is being left out of these news stories. The weakness of the dollar is a huge contributor to the price.

Less than 5 years ago, the American Dollar was basically trading at parity with the Euro. Essentially, anything a dollar would buy, a Euro would buy as well. Now however, the Euro is trading at 0.64 meaning that it costs more than $1.50 to buy a Euro. Just one more math step, I promise. This means that the price of a barrel of oil in Euros is €70.40. High? Yes. Apocalyptic? No.

A similar thing is happening with gold. The price has touched $1000/ounce. Shocking! Well, if the Dollar were strong enough to be at parity with the Euro, gold would cost $640/ ounce.

If all this has made you wonder why we're allowing the dollar to slide so far, please get on board with me. No more bailouts. People and companies that over-extended themselves need to feel the pinch. Otherwise, we're all going to feel the pinch. This loose monetary policy is killing us softly.

MCO Election Manifesto, part 2: The First 100 Days

2008-01-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

Having successfully been elected, I plan to add transparency to the political process. I am a bit surprised that Reality TV has pervaded every corner of our society except politics. I can only dream of a world where the sleaze of Washington, D.C. is more well-publicized than Nicole Richie working at a hot dog stand. I am going to open my 2-year term up to the cameras of a reality show. Obviously, the show will have to be broadcast after I leave office. I have no interest in being censured.

Also, the show will have to be on a cable channel. I wouldn't be able to stomach doing crossover shows with Without a Trace or anything on Fox. Maybe my show could be on the History Channel. I guess I could proposed legislation to make life safer for Ice Road Truckers.

Even if no network picks up my show, I am going to have a web-cam in my office and broadcast all meetings. This should prove that there is no special-interest-pandering, no secretary-boinking, no bribe-taking and no nose-picking. Well, hopefully no nose-picking.

I am also going to record every meal that I attend, every fellow diner and who paid for each meal. I would imagine that with the cameras rolling, I am going to pay for a lot of the meals myself. I am also going to publish every memo not related to National Security on my website. If during the onboarding process to Congress they tell me that I don't have to tip DC cab drivers, my constituency is going to know about it.

It should be a good 100 days. I'm sure I will lose about 50 pounds from being nauseated by the system (and the fact that I'll be buying all my own meals).

MCO Election Manifesto, part 1: Campaigning

2008-01-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

As you may have read, I am hypothetically running for Congress. I am outlining what you can expect. I know this already is a vast departure from your current Representatives.

From them all you can expect is:

Using public funds to start getting re-elected, probably within the first half of their first term.

Hiding earmarks to repay large donors. These projects (like the Teapot Museum in North Carolina or the Pittsburgh Ballet Theatre) are the epitome of wastefulness. And you're paying for it.

Groping of Congressional pages (male or female)

Use of Congressional Health Care Budget on treatments for hair-loss, greasy hair or clammy palms.

From me you can expect:

Straightforward answers to questions. You may disagree with 49% of what I say, but you will be able to believe 100% of it. I will tell you that your mom needs to keep working until she's 68. I'm not going to lie. I will walk into Iowa and state emphatically that I am opposed to subsidizing corn. If you don't like it, you're not thinking long-term.

Low budget fundraising. I don't like catered food. I won't make you pay to eat it with me. I am going to show up at neighborhood 5K runs (preferably run/walks) and talk to everyone for the 90 minutes it takes me to finish.

Binary answers to questions about how I'll vote. I'm either for things or against them. I see nuance as a four-letter word. If I can't give you a yes-no answer, it's because I don't know. In those cases, I'll get back to you within 24 hours.

Accountability. You will never hear "My staffer did that" or "My campaign manager didn't tell me that". I am the the bottom line.

See if Hillary will give you a yes-no answer. Her brain is so wired for hedging, she is more confused about the meaning of the word "no" than her husband is about the word "is".

Best Candidate Ever

2008-01-08T06:10:00.000-08:00

OK, I've taken some time off. I'm sure some of you thought for yourselves while I was gone. Anyway, I'm back to give you new political options.

Vote for me!

I was having what I thought was a half-serious conversation with some "friends" about what I would do if I were hypothetically elected to Congress. I could not believe the responses. Some of these so-called friends do not believe I would make a good Congressman. I was almost instantly vindicated when I challenged anyone in the room to name a better Congressman.

I would not be your typical Congressman, that's true. I began to wonder if people really have begun to expect, nay crave, corruption and mediocrity. Over the coming week I will outline my manifesto for my term (singular) in office. For those of you who have only heard the word "manifesto" in the context of the Unibomber, it does have a more universal meaning.

Whether you choose to vote for me or not, I hope you'll at least start to ask yourselves why you don't hold you current Representatives to a higher standard.

Broken records are meant to be broken

2007-11-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

I have had enough of the 1972 Dolphins. Every year they celebrate the loss of the last undefeated team. The smug grins from Don Shula and Nick Buoniconti make me cringe. As we end the 35th year since the Dolphins went undefeated (remember, only 14 games in a regular season back then), Don Shula has said that he thinks an asterisk should be put by the Patriots' season if they go undefeated. Good article (albeit from a Boston paper) here

The 2007 New England Patriots are probably the biggest threat to Miami's beloved record. (A record, by the way , that can be offset if they go 0-16 this year.) Not necessarily because the Patriots are the most talented team over the past 35 years. I would assert that going undefeated requires three things: a tremendously talented team, a coach that can maintain focus when playing poor teams and big enough egos not to rest their starters in weeks 16 & 17. Et Voila!

I will continue to root for the Patriots this year for one big reason: Records were meant to be broken. Barring rule changes or structural differences in how the game is played, every record will eventually be broken. Don't cheap-shot me by mentioning the 109 yard field goal return, you know what I'm getting at. Someday, someone will catch more TD passes than Jerry Rice. Someday (hopefully soon), someone will throw more touchdown passes than Favre (someone will probably throw more interceptions too). Someone will beat my high score on Tetris.

Clinging to a 35-year-old record is sad. My prediction for Week 16 when the Dolphins come to Foxboro: Patriots 72, Dolphins 0.

How do you know if Jesse thinks an issue is about race?

2007-11-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

Answer: he's talking about it. I don't think this guy orders food at Wendy's without thinking that some of the stores should feature a little black girl. I was watching an interview with Jesse Jackson on CNN Headline News. Some brilliant reporter thought they'd like to know Jesse Jackson's opinion on the subprime mortgage crisis. When you want facts, ask an expert.

Jesse (in famous rhythmic form) talked about the people affected by the crisis. He mentioned that foreclosures for one area were made up of 20% white people, 40% Latinos and 55% African American. He did not specify the area of the country, but damn they have a lot of people. 115% and he didn't even mention Asians.

Now for the softball. After this statement (no effort was made to correct Jesse's math), the reporter asked "So, do you think this is about racism?"

Come ON! You can't ask Jesse on your show unless something IS about racism. Jesse Jackson is not a regular on the Food Network for only one reason: they don't talk about race. When you state your occupation on your tax return as "Racism Spotter", you can't make a lot of appearances talking about Chicken Gumbo. Jesse lives to talk about racism. If racism ever went away, Jesse would probably die of boredom.

Wait a minute! Jesse Jackson can only be on TV when there's racism to talk about? I just figured something out. Jesse Jackson has no vested interest in ending racism. Funny thing...

I'm from the government and I'm here to help

2007-11-05T05:31:00.000-08:00

Another oxymoron I've seen advertised on TV lately is the Ford Escape Hybrid SUV. They are billing it as the "most fuel efficient SUV". Perhaps you could just skip getting an SUV. The point of these things is to annoy other people who use parking lots. Wait. No. The point is to haul stuff or kids or migrant workers. The point is not to be the most fuel efficient. If you're concerned about the environment, maybe you don't need to take all six of your kids to the grocery store every time you go.

I have to say that "most fuel efficient SUV" ranks right up there with some other stupid claims:

Quietest fire engine
Smallest dump truck
Cleanest bulldozer
Poshest city bus
Safest convertible

Good job, Ford. Keep living up to my (low) expectations.

Waitress! These grapes are sour.

2007-10-29T05:34:00.000-07:00

As you may know, Paramount Pictures is making a new Star Trek movie. It's meant to be sort of a prequel, but based on the casting will be a bit tongue-in-cheek as well. Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead) will play Scotty and Harold from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle will play Sulu. I'm sure the acting will be better than the original.

Speaking of which, William Shatner is apparently disappointed that he was not offered a role. I guess they somehow made room for the iconic Leonard Nimoy, but not for T.J. Hooker over here. This is a quote from the Associated Press: "I thought, what a decision to make, since it obviously is a decision not to make use of the popularity I have to ensure the movie has good box office. It didn't seem to be a wise business decision."

News flash: people know "Star Trek" and "James T. Kirk", not Bill Shatner. People see the Priceline ads and they say "Wow, Captain Kirk really has gotten creepy after retiring from Star Fleet.", not "Well, I guess William Shatner has to eat when he's not carrying the Star Trek franchise on his back."

Get a grip, Shatner. Maybe Heather Locklear will want to do a reunion show. It can't be any worse for her career than "LAX".

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world wide web

2007-10-25T06:14:00.000-07:00

Less than four years after the creation of Facebook, Microsoft has agreed to buy it for $240 million. That's a good return after such a short time. No? Oh, that's right. Microsoft has agreed to pay $240 million for 1.6% of the company. As I read the article, I kept holding out hope that a decimal was in the wrong place or that a bug had died on my computer screen. The extrapolation is that the company is worth $15 Billion. The Associated Press pointed out that $15 Billion is roughly the same market capitalization as Marriott Hotels, a company that has revenue.

I have never visited Facebook.com. I guess I could. Being over 30 means that I'm banned from myspace, but I haven't heard any such restrictions about Facebook. A more diligent blogger almost definitely would have done some research. Me? Not so much.

You can call me stubborn (for many of you, it won't be the first time). This is not to say that I am opposed to social networking sites altogether. I am on LinkedIn. This makes me slightly different (but not better or worse) than my co-worker who emphatically states he has never used an emoticon. To that I say :-P

I can't make this stuff up

2007-10-22T05:39:00.000-07:00

These are actual news stories. The names have not been changed to protect anyone.

Kid Rock arrested after Waffle House fight. "Rock along with five members of his entourage were charged with one count of battery, which is a misdemeanor." Maybe instead of an entourage, he could get a personal chef.

5,000 minks freed in Denmark. This must have some hidden meaning, but for the life of me I can't discern what it is. "The chair is against the wall. John has a long mustache. 5,000 minks were freed in Denmark."

Pakistan considers ban on processions after attack. Is banning procession not the same as advocating recession?

Copperfield lawyer rebuts allegation. I am so waiting for the headline "Copperfield unable to make rape charges disappear".

Video appears to show Spears running over paparazzo's foot. Wait. Video submitted by paparazzi shows a celebrity doing something to a paparazzo? Surely even TMZ.com knows conflict of interest when it sees some.

I Smell

2007-10-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

I smell things. I am in touch with my evolutionary self. When I am on an elevator, I notice the smells of people on the elevator with me. This has led to me nicknaming half the men in my company "Too Much Cologne Boy". Here's a tip: if you can smell your cologne/perfume, you're wearing too much. After 2-3 months of wearing a single type, your body will become desensitized to the odor. This does not mean "wear more". People treat fragrance like heroine. They keep needing more and more and more to get the same high. Not that I would know anything about that.

Now, due to an unfortunate incident the other night, I smell my glassware before drinking out of it. At a rather nice restaurant, I was served some wine that smelled, um, different. No the good different. I realized it was not the usual wet newspaper smell of bad wine. It was more like the byproduct of making crystal meth. Oh, I mean windex. Yeah. How would I even know what the first one smelled like? Shockingly, after agreeing with me that the glasses were not clean, the waiter brought more unrinsed glasses for the second bottle.

Don't get all freaked out. I'm not some crazy sniff-stalker. I do think it's odd when people wear so much cologne that you know when they're at work that day. It's just wrong.

Holding on for dear life

2007-10-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get better about going to the gym. I'll admit: I don't like it. The weird combination of smells bugs me the most. You have sweat, mildew and Old Spice mixing together like a witch's brew.

The gym I go to is pretty standard. It has a good mix of cardio equipment: treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes and stair-climbers. A few of the treadmills are reserved for "hiking". They are slightly more durable and have signs discouraging people from using them for running.

I like these the best because they closely replicate the only outdoor activity I really like: hiking. Unfortunately, my gym only has 4 of these. What I've noticed is that a lot of people like to use these for what I can only describe as "being dragged up a hill". You know what I'm talking about. These people (mostly women) have a death grip on the front bar of the machine and have the incline set to 15. Their bodies are no longer even perpendicular to the floor. They are literally clinging to the machine and moving their feet like a gerbil.

This has as much in common with hiking as riding a chair lift has in common with mountain climbing. They are being dragged. It's that simple. When I'm on one of these, my hands are not in contact with any part of the machine. My legs are doing ALL the work. Today I saw a woman with workout gloves. Apparently she holds on so tight, she risks blisters. (This may dampen her love life.)

You may read this blog and ask "what's the point of this blog?". Two things. One: don't be that guy (or gal). Two: make your gym experience more fun by imagining what would happen if a little sweat (or Old Spice gel) got on the handles and one of these oxygen wasters goes flying.

Welcome to wherever you are

2007-10-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'd like to be the first to welcome me to the 21st century. That's right, I bought an iPod. I'm still the same guy with no cell phone, but I have an iPod. I decided to go with the nano.

The name is indicative of the idea that smaller is better with technology. Well, certain technology. Of course with TVs, you want big. Trucks: big. Thumb drives: small. I am on a quest to find the big/small breakpoint. I want to know what size is the continental divide of bigger/smaller. Certainly it is bigger than a cell phone and smaller than a television. I feel like I need to have two toasters. One REALLY big and one tiny, just in case. I don't want to hear "Dude, you toaster is so small" in a way that makes me feel under-endowed.

Solving this could get me a sweet job at Dell. They seem to have a terrible conundrum. One month it's notebooks that have an entire keyboard smaller than a playing card. The next month the screen is so wide I feel like I could see all four hostesses of The View on the screen at the same time.

Anyway, my new iPod is really small and the song storage is really big. I hope those are the things that are cool right now. Who wants to bet that "retro" will come back soon and I should have a really BIG mp3 player with a really small song capacity?

Never call me from that phone

2007-09-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

For the second time this week, someone standing next to me at the row of urinals was talking on a cell phone. I understand that cell phone use has become ubiquitous. I also understand that people who talk on them all the time have a below-average respect for those around them. However, I thought that lack of respect was mostly for people they didn't know.

For any of you that have ever called me from the restroom, please never do it again. Also, never tell me that you did it before. I just don't think I could stomach it. Also, I'm never looking at the low-res pictures on your camera phone again. Seeing the picture of you with Alice Cooper is not exciting enough to risk the dried-pee residue on my hand.

I will now take suggestions for phrases to alert the other party as to the whereabouts of the offending caller. I'll start:

"Phew! Man, I am never eating the chili at Waffle House again."

Most Casual Observer: now fat-free!

2007-09-24T06:01:00.000-07:00

As is customary in my family on Sunday, I was watching football. While the Superbowl is still many weeks away, I still love watching commercials during football. While many commercials (especially those for beer and trucks) are targeted to neanderthals with the IQ in the low 70s, some are just so outlandishly stupid that they warrant comment.

Example #1: Budweiser. After forsaking their "Expect Everything" campaign, they have embarked on a new one that points out that Budweiser Select has zero grams of fat. Wow! Zero? How do they do that? Amazing. Oh, wait. Every beer has 0g of fat. Beer is made from hops, barley, water and yeast. Not bacon and canola oil. Granted, Bud is made with rice because using only barley might lead to flavor. Not much fat in rice the last time I checked.

Furthermore, beer, like pizza, is largely optional. We drink it if and when we want to. It's not a staple in a 21st century diet. If you were to be on a beer-only diet, the amount of fat in your beer is probably low on your priority list.

I will just briefly mention the Dueling Banjos campaigns between Bud and Miller Lite. Miller Lite had to trump the "Expect Everything" campaign led by August Busch IV (can I just interrupt to say that three generations of August Busch and three trophy wives have led to a somewhat watered-down gene pool). Miller Lite's answer was "When you expect more, you get more than you expect". I have tried expecting more out of marketing campaigns and I have been severely let down. I am ready to expect a 15 second spot of: Grunt once, scratch balls, throw punch, pass out, get divorced, drink Miller.

The low end of innovation

2007-09-18T05:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the 25th anniversary of the smiley emoticon, according to its alleged inventor. A Carnegie Mellon professor, Scott Fahlman, says he was the "inventor" of the fist emoticon. :-)

This in and of itself would not be blog-worthy. However, Professor Fahlman remembers the date and time of his first use. He claims to have used it on a bulletin board at 11:44 am on Sept. 19, 1982. You don't believe me? Read it here.

I have two main issues with this. First, there was a time when I thought that I had been the first to think of S.O.L. as an abbreviation for Shit Outta Luck. I started using it with all my friends and thought I was quite clever. As I moved around the country and heard literally hundreds of people saying it, I realized that it was so abundantly obvious that I may not have been the first.

Secondly, why would you record the date and time of such a trivial event? My cynical brain tells me that maybe Fahlman knew that this might be the only thing for which he was ever known. That's just a wee bit sad. In the 25 years since then, it would have been nice to think of one other useful, original thought.

Since, as you all know, I care a tremendous amount about fame (or at least notoriety), I am proposing this in Professor Fahlman's honor:

nlnn

You're looking at the Internet avatar of the fingers on my right hand...

Free the juice!

2007-09-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

By now you've seen that O.J. has been arrested again. This article has some good info about it. If O.J.'s defense team has any sense, they could get this thrown out. The police in this case are clearly incompetent: one of them used the word "irregardless".

I think Simpson may have seen the pre-orders for "If I did it" and just got drooling about the money. "If I did it", now renamed "If I did it: Confessions of a Killer" by the Goldman family, hit #2 on the Amazon.com book chart. The new publisher has done an excellent job of minimizing the word "If" on the cover. Don't worry, Fred Goldman, all this money won't make you any less bitter.

So be on the lookout for "If I did it 2: I Stole some of My Own Shit Back" to be on sale in 2009. I think you can pre-order it today on Amazon or TMZ.com.

New Observer segment

2007-09-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I spent many years working in restaurants. For a time my goal was to own my own restaurant. Then I realized the kind of people who work in restaurants are not the kind of people I want to be around every day.

Yes, I get the irony.

The experience made me appreciate good service even more. It also allowed minor service quirks to develop into pet peeves. I will warn you of two things. First, this is likely to become a recurring segment on Most Casual Observer. Second, you may start to notice these things and start demanding better service. You were warned.

The other night I was out to eat at what was by no means an inexpensive restaurant. When I'm not at one of the myriad of TGIFridays clones (Applebees, Chili's, Flingers, etc.), I expect just a bit better service. I had just finished my very authentic eight dollar Caesar salad and my silverware was quite covered with garlicky anchovy goodness. When the waitress came to take my salad plate, she asked "Do you want to hang on to your knife?". The tone was rhetorical as if she were asking "Do you want to leave this burning building?".

My answer, to her obvious dismay, was "No". I would actually like you to bring me a fresh, clean knife. One that is neither garlicky not anchovy-y. Your chef has ostentatiously described his Poached Sea Bass as "delicate, subtle and delicious". I don't want to slather Ceasar dressing on that. Especially not for $31.95. Bring me a new fricking knife.

I know there are bigger problems in this world, but I am going to ask each and every one of you to join me in this silent revolution. Send that dirty silverware to the Hobart Brothers in the kitchen. You will be making the world a better place.

A most casual observer of television

2007-09-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

One of my good friends has a new blog about a very import ant issue: TV.

It is well written and quite funny. For those of you frustrated by my inconsistent posting, it should be a good distraction.

http://tvyoushouldbewatching.blogspot.com/

Read the initial post here.

A little voice inside my head said don't look back...

2007-09-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

Like Don Henley not wanting to look back at the Deadhead sticker on the Cadillac, I did not want to look back this weekend. I was wine tasting outside of Santa Ynez, California. At one of the wineries, I saw a young man tasting sauvignon blanc and wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt. To me this is more ironic than a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. For my younger readers, it is also more ironic than a Black Flag sticker on a Cadillac.

If I may digress, I think it is also ironic that The Ataris cover of Don Henley's Boys of Summer chooses Black Flag. Black Flag as a band started only 10 years after the Grateful Dead started and broke up long before Jerry Garcia died. By "updating" a 20-year-old song, they barely brought the reference forward half a generation.

But back to revolutionaries and wine. I don't think any communist countries have ever made any decent wine. I don't hear about the lush vineyards of Havana. Communist (and these nominally socialist dictatorships in present-day South America) countries have enough trouble just getting food to the table. If there are any grape vines in Cuba, peasants are eating the grapes. Nobody is making wine.

I'm sure it's all fashionable to wear communist symbols to piss off your parents (or to piss off Peru, Cameron). However, if you're going to use dad's Visa card to buy some wine, at least get a paper route. I don't think you're going to be able to borrow the car for the weekend in your Workers' Paradise.

Blazing saddles flew over the cuckoo's nest

2007-08-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

No American senator will ever miss the opportunity to close the barn door after the horse has escaped. Some senators will gladly crush a sheep with the door in the process. One such senator is the lovable, populist moron Chuck Schumer. Schumer, who could not be described as smart or charismatic or visionary or responsibly or wise or honest, has decided he is going to do something about the subprime mortgage crisis.

His "plan" to overcome the crisis is on his own Senate website. See it here. It leads with this awesome quote: "The Subprime Market is the Wild West of Mortgage Loans and We Need a Sheriff in Town". I ain't lyin'. I don't think the summer intern that wrote that is going to get invited back.

Besides establishing stiffer regulations, his plan calls for a "Foreclosure Prevention Task Force". Here are the details: "The focus would be on helping homeowners restructure their individual loans, offer forbearance periods, assist homeowners sell distressed properties for borrowers that choose to no long own, provide credit counseling and negotiate with credit reporting agencies to delete defaults or forecloses for borrowers that are considered to be in failing, predatory loans. "

Why not offer to help people get financing for a second big-screen TV? We're going to delete defaults? So now the next bank that wants to loan to these people won't even know they defaulted on their last house? Good plan, Chuck. That should keep the subprime crisis from infecting the rest of the mortgage industry. On Opposite Day!

I'm sure it sounds cruel, but we need to let some of these people who set themselves up with 85/25 adjustable-rate-but-you-can-pay-off-your-Circuit-City-card-line-of-credit loans fall into default. They need to feel a bit of pinch here or this thing is not going to end. Now, do we need to investigate the practices of some of these one-year-of-community-college mortgage brokers? Absolutely. Should the underwriters be fined if they are found to be complicit? You betcha. But the worst thing we could do for the long term health of the mortgage market is to bail out these people who didn't read the contracts to begin with.

I think Congress needs to go back to places it can add value: like determining if the allegations of steroid abuse in professional wrestling need legislative intervention.

Be Authentic, B-E authentic, B-E-A....

2007-08-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

This story is awesome. You will love it. The Associated Press saw fit to publish and article titled "Colleges seek 'authenticity' in hopefuls". I guess this means that trying too hard to polish your image makes you fake? They quote an independent college counselor as saying "Sometimes it's a typo, I don't want my students to sound like robots. It's pretty easy to fall into that trap of trying to do everything perfectly and there's no spark left." Yes. He is telling his 'clients' to make a small mistake on purpose because it makes them appear more real.

It sounds crazy. Then I read more. They quote staff from the following colleges: Haverford, Davidson, Amherst and Sewanee. I said, "Hmmm". I don't recall applying to any of these. So I did some research. Oh! These are the top Liberal Arts colleges according to U.S. News and World Report. NOW the picture becomes clearer. Schools specializing in making teenagers' minds more mediocre don't want to have to work that hard. They want to start with people who can show that they are already mediocre to some degree.

Let me tell you something. If I'm going to hire you to build a multivariate, predictive model, I don't want to find out your formula in cell AF164 is "authentic". I want it to be fucking right. And if I see that you used "excepted" when you meant "accepted" on your resume, I am going to infer something about your ability to take responsibility for shit.

Here's a tip: If you want to have a career, leave out the spelling mistakes. If you want to quote Thoreau while pumping gas, put some of those mistakes in there.

Umbrellas make plants grow

2007-08-20T06:09:00.000-07:00

A recent "study" has concluded that deer hunting can pose risks to men's heart health. No, I'm serious. Read it here if you don't believe me. Now, I will admit that Reuters does as much disservice to the study as the study does to my intelligence.

Deer hunting? Are you kidding me? That's the thing that is posing a risk to these men? Not the fact that they eat red meat four meals a day. Not the fact that they drink beer for 5-6 hours waiting for a deer to come by.

The full title of the study sounds important: "Electrocardiographic Responses to Deer Hunting Activities in Men With and Without Coronary Artery Disease" (www.ajconline.org). I have a feeling that the findings would have been the same if the "researchers" had substituted the words Football Watching or Late-night Card Playing for Deer Hunting.

Please, dear readers, recognize the difference between correlation and cause-and-effect. Just because things happen at the same time, does not mean one causes the other. It may just mean that the thing that causes one, also causes the other. It's like saying that watching Oprah lowers your credit score. If fact, being unemployed causes both.

Too big for your britches

2007-08-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

I will admit that my taste in movies is, ummm, atypical. For all the maturing I've done (no, seriously) since 1991, my taste in movies has stayed pretty similar. I would still call Die Hard my favorite movie.

I also insist that a doing a remake requires two things: it should be equal parts homage and revolution, and a certain minimum time must have passed before doing it. Forty-two years passed between Manchurian Candidates. The lead actor in the first movie was dead by the time a remake was made. I'm OK with that. Only 29 years passed between versions of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I have not seen the latest one, but I can't imagine that a scantily-clad Jessica Biel wasn't the highlight.

Finally to my point. A director with a short, and certainly unproven, resume has signed up to direct Escape from New York. First of all, I don't believe that cult classics should EVER be remade. But this one? Boy's got some balls. Does this guy think he is going to make as good a movie as John Carpenter? John Carpenter got chemistry out of a 29-year-old Kurt Russell and Earnest Borgnine. Earnest freaking Borgnine.

Unless the cast changes, we are going to hear King Leonidas from the 300 utter the phrase "Call me Snake". I don't think I'm emotionally prepared for that. Fortunately, I have another 2 years (the movie is slated for 2009).

Please respond if you think I'm making too big a deal out of this. But if you do, cite at least one good remake that was done within 30 years of the original.

Keep an eye on your wallet

2007-08-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

Presidential candidates are swarming around Iowa right now like Dina Lohan on the talk show circuit: all looking for just one person to validate their existence. It is fortuitous timing for the informed (read: cynical) public. The mortgage lending "difficulties", and their effects on the overall economic picture, give us an opportunity to read the minds of politicians.

Since politicians are still pandering to their respective core constituencies and have not made the obligatory change in tack towards moderate centrist, we can learn how loony their tunes might be. For example, you might learn that a Republican candidate was overly beholden to the Financial industry if he were to assert that this was an "unprecedented event" and no further scrutiny of the industry were required. Who might be in bed with financiers? Someone who used to reside near Wall Street? Someone from New York? Anyone? Bueller?

On the other hand, Democrats will err on the side of over-regulating the mortgage industry. They face a riskier path, however. Any regulator, commission, oversight committee or lending czar will tell you that you need to tighten the belt on lending to people who can't pay back the money. There are two ways to tighten that belt: charge more for those loans to cover losses or not write the loans.

Since those are the only two options but would clearly cause an Antietam-like bloodbath within the party, they will think of a third, less-than-viable option. I, personally, would like to see the John Edwards vs. Al Sharpton battle on Larry King Live. John "Multi-Millionaire Champion of the Poor" Edwards faces off against Al "Don't mention Tawana Brawley" Sharpton. "You can't shut off loans to the working poor". jab "You can't charge my people more for loans" Body blow

It would be like Mike Tyson's Punch Out except that Don King and Al Sharpton can't be in the same room at the same time. (For the explanation of the physics, watch the Van Damme classic Timecop).

My prediction: a ludicrous third option will emerge. Something like a plan to impose a cap on house price increases or changes to the Chapter 11 code (something that would allow people to keep one of their big-screen TVs).

For those of you who pay taxes, it's going to be a fun year.

Earning more money (the hard way)

2007-08-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't follow closely, the Federal Reserve decided to keep interest rates steady at yesterday's meeting. The Fed decided that despite some signs of a weakening economy, inflation remains a risk. Keeping the Fed Funds rate at 5.25%, they felt, would keep inflation at bay.

Unfortunately for the people of Zimbabwe, their government has alternative methods of dealing with inflation. These include:
1. Printing more money
2. Arresting people who raise prices

One of the government's key strategies is to fine retailers who raise prices. Good plan. I think the Looters did that in Atlas Shrugged. (FYI- I also think it is a key platform item for John Edwards). A recent fine according to The Herald (a puppet of Robert Mugabe's government) was $3,000,000 (Zimbabwean dollars)

Sounds like a plan. The official inflation rate in Zimbabwe is 3,700%. That's the official rate. The actual rate estimated by The Economist is over 7,000%. Just to give you an idea about how bad things are, read this quote (also from The Herald). "Puzey and Payne [a local company] donated 100 T-shirts worth $70 million". Quick math: T-shirts cost $700,000.

So, I guess the plan of fining retailers won't get that far. Seeing as the fine is four t-shirts. Maybe that's the fine for using lead paint when making toys in China. That would explain a lot.

Mama, we're all crazy now

2007-08-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

For me, it has gotten to the point that if a celebrity does something self-destructive, I can only shrug. Similarly, when politicians do something purely for the media coverage, I yawn. You say jaded, I say experienced.

It strikes me as odd that I am interested in Sean Penn's visit to Venezuela. It seems like Penn is just being a sensationalistic buffoon and Chavez is basking in the naivete of an American faux-journalist. Now I remember why this story sounds familiar! This is like Michael Moore's visit to Cuba except that this time the American is skinny and the dictator is chubby.

I think there's something else going on. I think Sean Penn is trying to surround himself with crazier people to make himself seem less so. He's like the almost-hot girl who brings her very plain friend out to bars. He can look better by comparison. But just like the above situation where the plain girl talks about the almost-hot girl's urinary tract infection, Chavez said "He's a courageous man. He's very quiet, but he has a fire burning inside."

Hmmm. When your crazy friend says "He's very quiet, but he has a fire burning inside.", you have failed in your mission to look less crazy. Isn't that how classmates have described every kid who took part in a school shooting? "He was quiet, but you felt like he was always thinking about something."

Here's a tip: Don't invite Sean Penn to your high school any time soon.

Getting a Fox to guard the fox house

2007-08-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure you've heard about News Corp.'s bid to buy the Wall Street Journal. I've noticed that the liberal media and political cartoonists are trying to paint this as some apocalyptic event. See an example here.

I've come up with two reasons that these people are up in arms. One, they think Rupert Murdoch's influence will make the Journal more conservative. Two, they really do care about journalistic integrity.

There must be a third reason. Do I need to remind the media that the WSJ is no fan of the left now? You can not read the Journal's op-ed section without some mention of the detriment to society that labor unions provide. Isn't organized labor 1/2 of the Democratic voting base? I mean it's not like Murdoch is trying to buy the New York Times. Secondly, I can't for a minute buy the "journalistic integrity" part unless their idea of journalistic integrity means group think about topics like Iraq, Global Warming and Immigration.

Personally, I would like to see the Wall Street Journal retake its position as the highest-circulation newspaper. It can't be any worse than the pie chart, news byte crap that is number one now: USA Today.

You (singular) are not the boss of me

2007-08-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I attended the Oregon Brewfest. It was a great mix of beer, friends and counter-culture. I, personally, felt under-tattooed. A lot of people with only their love of beer in common had a good time without the fights and low-grade pickup lines that come with the bars and pubs.

I kind of felt like we all had another thing in common, as well: a general disdain for authority. I personally have a problem with it. I have no problem admitting it. Leadership I like. Authority, not so much.

Here's what I learned. There are a great number of people who have a problem when one person tells them to do something, but if 100 people tell them to do it, they bleat like the sheep that they are. Apparently this festival has a tradition where if you hear a chorus of "Whooo!" coming down the tent, you are obligated to perpetuate it like an out-of-tune chain letter.

I would have felt like a hypocrite if I had joined with 100 morons telling me to do something dumb when I have such a hard time with one person telling me such. When I run for president I think I am just going to avoid the debates and caucuses. I'm just going to start chants at concerts and festivals. I could get the necessary 49% of the vote on that alone.

It's a great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to pay taxes there

2007-07-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

I am back from vacation. This was quite possibly one of the best vacations I have taken. Part of the reason, certainly, was that I needed a vacation. By the third day, it felt like a week. By the seventh day, I was having trouble remembering what I do for a living.

Going on vacation to a different city also helps provide a person's life with some perspective. We travelled to Portland, Oregon. By its own admission, it is a little left of center. I was prepared for this. However, I have never seen so many voluntarily homeless people in my life (even in San Francisco). Before you use this statement as further proof of my cold-heartedness, let me elaborate.

I have sympathy for people who have been left out of society by catastrophic circumstances or mental disease. I would like to make a difference for these people. I would like to see my tax dollars and United Way contributions go toward helping these people. I would not characterize them as voluntarily homeless.

I am talking about the twenty-somethings who are clearly able-bodied but have been unable to find a calling since Phish stopped touring. They seem to feel like their disagreement with the ideals of capitalism somehow entitles them to a life of devoid of contribution. To me, this is proof that Socialism does not work. I will admit to being pessimistic about average people. I believe that a nanny state will inevitably permit a segment of the population to exist only on graft. I do not need Portland to make my case; I have France and Germany.

Portland, I love your city. But you are like a freight train loaded with live hogs going downhill will no brakes. It's a squeal-filled thrill ride, but I don't want to be there for the crash.

Observer vacation

2007-07-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

MCO will be on vacation until 7/31.

"Don't you forget about me. I'll be alone. Dancing? You know it baby." - Simple Minds

Jack-booted thugs

2007-07-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

The productivity nannies at my company have decided to block all blogspot domain names. I'm not sure how many hours were being spent reading blogs every week. However, since they have not terminated all the smokers at my company, I can guarantee that "reading blogs" was not the number one time-suck.

It feels just a bit Orwellian that my company wants to eliminate all these distractions entirely. I assume the thought is that little 5 minute breaks are bad and that we should work 298 minutes of the 5 hours before lunch and 296 minutes of the 5 hours after lunch. Gosh. That leaves 6 minutes. I hope they don't turn the bathrooms into conference rooms and ask us to hold it. I can see the informational pamphlet now: "The Benefits of Dehydration".

Good job, Great Inertia. Another policy to ensure that your high performers are either unmotivated or thinking about quitting. Strange, they haven't blocked CareerBuilder. Maybe they're trying to tell us something.

The benefits of cynicism

2007-07-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

I am frequently told that I am too cynical. However, as a cynic, I am rarely disappointed. I have very low expectations of other people. Here is a test of your base level of cynicism.

Louisiana senator David Vitter has been accused of using the services of New Orleans prostitutes. He has admitted to contacting "D.C. Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey prior to 2004. After remaining silent for a week since the New Orleans allegations arose, he has decided to deny he had relationships with prostitutes in that city.

Here is the test. The week of silence was spent:

Investigating who could have spread such an egregious fabrication.

Determining if the parties responsible could be silenced through bribes or intimidation.

If you answered "2", you might just be cynical enough to survive in this world. If you answered "1", then stop voting. You're jacking things up for the rest of us.

Who is Number 1?

2007-07-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of attending a home game this weekend for our city's baseball team. I think watching sports live adds something to the experience that can not be gotten from TV. Maybe it's the $4.75 Diet Pepsi. I am beginning to think curling might be good live.

What I noticed as much as the game, though, were the other fans. I noticed that that are at least two categories of fans. Category 1, people like myself, watch for the talent and excitement of the game. Category 2 (and apparently about 95% of people) enjoy the fact that they can leave all sorts of societal niceties at the gate.

There are not too many places where yelling "Bullshit" and "You suck!" in front of total strangers is OK. Maybe Congress. Yelling at another fan unknown to yourself for the simple fact that they are wearing the opponents' logo seems de rigueur.

This seems to be accompanied by a herd instinct. Any sufficiently shiny lights calling for "Make some NOISE" and "Get on your feet!" are obligatorily followed by cheers and people intent on blocking my view. Like smoking a cigar in a small bar, standing up at a baseball game only has one purpose: to piss me off. You can clearly see the game already. The players are not moving that fast. Getting 0.05% closer to the action is not going to give you that "oh, NOW I see what's going on" feeling. Sit your lemming ass down.

On second thought, maybe watching the TV with no sound IS the best option. The commercials that block my view of the game only last a little while.

Best advice ever

2007-07-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

I usually give advice to a lot of people hoping that a few will take it. Today I'm going to give advice to one person knowing he's probably not going to take it.

My advice is to Barry Bonds. He currently has 751 home runs for his career. Hank Aaron's record is 756. The second half of the baseball season just started and Bonds hit 17 HRs in the first half.

Here's my advice. Get to 755 and walk away. Retire. In that game. He will still be mentioned in the same breath as Babe Ruth. With 40 or so games left in the season, there will be no question he could have broken the record. His fans will love him just the same and he will earn the respect of half the haters out there.

I guess the problem with this plan is that if assholes took advice, they wouldn't be assholes. Would they?

One million people can be wrong...a lot

2007-07-11T06:15:00.000-07:00

In the Wikipedia Age, Yahoo! has decided to try out this thing they call Yahoo! Answers. People ask questions and users give answers. The "best" answer is chosen by the asker and shows up first under the question. See it here.

In addition to answering really important questions like "Is this the best song ever?" (actual posted question), they answer other questions like "Is it bad to reuse water bottles?". For this question, the answer is

"is possable [sic] but if you wash it occationally [sic] it should be fine. plus you have an imune [sic] system for a reason. if your [sic] never exposed to germs , when germs do come along you'll be screwed."

You only think I'm making this up. I had to type sic so many times, it made me so. This is all well and good as a cutesy thing Yahoo! does to make illiterate people feel smart. However, they have started pimping this service on their actual news. In the same box as yesterday's ABC story about bottled water, they had some "additional information" links. This was one of them.

Yahoo!, I love your site. You may be the last bastion of resistance against the Google monopoly. Please refrain from blurring the line between useful services and this crap.

The high cost of credibility

2007-07-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

When news media have a hot topic, you can be sure that eventually someone is going to beat it to death. Generally I expect this of "trash" stories like the death of Anna Nicole Smith and the OJ trial. When ABC does it to global warming I wonder if that says something about ABC or about the topic. Watch this "news" segment here.

If your video player is blocked or you're lazy, let me summarize. The story is about how bottled water is bad for the environment. The first "point" is that a lot of the 30 billion bottles used each year end up in landfills. Is this a story about how people don't recycle? The second point (and a very fair example, if your definition of fair is sensationalistic) is that some bottled water comes from France. The percentage of bottled water consumed by Americans that comes from France is never mentioned. The idea that some water might be bottled in your own city is ignored.

After interviewing a restaurateur, ABC cuts to an "expert" who self-righteously tells us how shameful our practice of buying water is. His name and occupation are never mentioned. I guess we are to assume that he is a scientist from his unkempt appearance. Since the restaurant is in Berkeley, once can assume that the "expert" might be a Professor of Marxism and Alarmism from the nearby institute of "high"er learning.

The last item, and this has nothing to do with ABC, is that some municipalities are banning public funds for bottled water. The story implies that this includes firefighters in Utah. I hope this is a joke. Subjecting firefighters to an arbitrary standard when they are trying to save your life is ludicrous. I hope the good people of Salt Lake City are subjecting fire trucks to the fuel efficiency standard of 24 mpg also. That way, when the entire city burns down, we can start over with something sane.

Screwing up your life to make a point

2007-07-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

This story caught my eye this morning. A Connecticut war protester asked his employers for a pay cut so that he would pay less federal tax. He was making $100,000/year and felt like he was contributing too much to the war effort. After his employer denied his request, he quit.

I'm thinking they may be better off without him. No, not because being against the war is wrong. More like because he's a moron. Let me quickly break it down for you. At $100K, this guy is paying a about $25k in Federal taxes. The Federal budget allocates about 17% to defense. David Gross f'ed up his life to keep $4,000 from being used in Iraq. Good job, man. You will keep one Warthog grounded for at least 6 minutes.

Wouldn't a wildly better alternative be to make the $100 grand, donate 75% of it to a qualifying anti-war charity (thus taking the tax deduction) and make a meaningful difference? It's better to make a living and be thought of as a fool than to quit your job and remove all doubt.

University of Michigan study proves water is indeed wet

2007-07-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

A research report released Monday shows that children who play video games spend less time on homework and less time reading. You’re shitting me. Who would’ve freakin’ thunk it?

My question is: who signed off on this brain teaser? Was this the absolute best use of the University of Michigan’s resources? Couldn’t they have proven that kids who never use cocaine are less likely to become addicted? Maybe they could have researched why people who ride the subway are involved in 99% fewer car accidents.

Additionally, they interviewed 1,491 children. How much video game time did they lose by participating in the study?

Ghost writing, Tupac style

2007-07-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

As the avalanche of posthumous Tupac Shakur albums has proven, there is money to be made in writing for dead people. I think some of these writers have gone from writing about Thug Life to writing about Thug Communism. My evidence? Fidel Castro has been writing "essays" almost daily for puppet mouthpieces in Cuba.

One of the papers, "Juventud Rebelde", has published one musing recently about the CIA's attempt to poison Castro about 50 years ago. I'm sure this is news in Cuba since they have been trapped in 1959 for almost half a century. I think I have figured out where M. Night Shyamalan got his idea for The Village. Castro has been keeping his island in the 1950's and scaring all the inhabitants with stories of the monsters in the forest (read: free world).

It also cracks me up that these long-term dictators keep calling their movements "rebellions" and "revolutions" (Exhibit 2: Hugo Chavez). My Spanish is not that good but I'm guessing that Juventud Rebelde means something like "Youth Rebellion". An oppressive, President-for-Life dictator like Castro referring to his rebellion is like Bill Ford talking about innovation: that ship sailed a generation ago.

After outliving JFK by 43 years, I guess Castro's dying wish was to have the same mystery surround his death. Good job, Fidel. There are a ton of Tupac and Elvis fans who might believe you are still alive too.

Paying $2,000 to prove you're a geek: Priceless

2007-06-29T06:22:00.000-07:00

Today is the launch of the iPhone. People have been camping out to get one of these things. The list price is either $500 or $600 depending on the model. That's not the best part. The best part is, the minimum service agreement is for two years at $59.99 per month.

$500 + (24*$60) = $1940 before taxes/fees

If Apple meets its plan of selling 10 million units by the end of 2008, I am going to get into the cell phone plan collections racket. I figure even at a conservative 5% default rate, I'm looking at a new market of:

5% * 10 Million * $1,000 (assuming they will begin to pay) = $500 Million

This is a huge opportunity. Since a lot of these people will be early adopters, I can take their HD TVs, Roombas and thumb drives as "collateral". Based on my previous exposure to distressed debt collection, debts of under $1000 are the easiest to collect. I figure my initial outlay will be:

Phone $100
Dialer $500
Initial Call list $1,000
Darth Vader voice emulator $29 (eBay)

Now all I have to do is keep this idea a secret until I get rolling.

Non-traditional economies

2007-06-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I have limited experience with prison other than movies and HBO's OZ. However, I have no reason to disbelieve the assertion that the primary currency in prison is cigarettes. In a Canadian prison, it would be roughly the same except the cigarettes would buy you 30% less protection.

So what would happen if a prison (or all prisons) banned smoking? The Correctional Service of Canada has a plan to do just that. The ban would go into effect in April of 2008. If I remember my transitive property, then:

IF Cigarettes = $ and Cigarettes = 0
then $ = 0
END IF

Currency and agriculture are widely viewed as the two strongest contributing factors to civilization. If one were to disappear, we would fall back to a barter economy. I don't think I would like that. Would I do 3% of my barista's taxes every day in return for a latte? I think I might need to file her an extension.

I'm wondering how this would play out in prison. Without going for the obvious sodomy jokes, I think a substitute currency would have to arise quickly. I don't think violent felons are going to be down with a fiat currency. They seem more like gold standard people (whatever serves as currency needs to have intrinsic value). I think the obvious substitution is porn.

If cigarettes were illegal, what would you use to buy protection in prison?

Help you out even more.

2007-06-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

Some people really appreciated my previous post “Helping you out".

Here are some ways to avoid being an asshole today:

The checkout girl at the store doesn’t really want to know how your day is going. Keep your response brief. If you’re still talking when she hands you the receipt, you lose. If you lose more than once, it’s a trend; you’re a loser.
A sports bra is still underwear. You wouldn’t want your gym filled with guys wearing only jockstraps. Have some consideration.
Do not leave the house with more children than the number of adult hands. One adult: 2 kids. Two adults: 4 kids. I don’t want to step on your unruly children.
I don’t care about the color or shape of your gum. If, by chewing it with your mouth open, you are trying to help me out, you’re not.
Don’t ask the waitress if something on the menu is “better” than something else. What do you think you have in common with her? She likes neck tattoos and unemployed guys.
Walking is for getting from point A to point B. Strolling is for tourists. Never stroll where people are trying to walk.
When moving a barstool, lift. Don’t drag it. That screeching, grating, scraping sound clashes with Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
Any idiot can identify a problem. Don’t come to me with a problem unless you have an idea about how to fix it. This applies to small problems like splinters and big problems like Darfur.

I now expect you to be less of an asshole.

Viva la Incompetence

2007-06-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

The key to being a near-perfect demented authoritarian ruler is to be able to explain away any negative detail as a devious plot of your enemy. My favorite diminutive dictator is doing that right now. He is preparing his people for a "resistance war" against the U.S. He has warned that "It's not just armed warfare...I'm also referring to psychological warfare, media warfare, political warfare, economic warfare."

He knows that his nationalization of multiple industries has a slight risk of backfiring and turning otherwise effective companies into wastelands of corruption. By "slight risk" I mean "absolute certainty". But now, the evil genius has a prefabricated scapegoat: American economic warfare.

This is a brilliant strategy. Since Chavez eventually plans to invade a neighbor, he has started planting the seeds of conspiracy. By the time the 53 helicopters and 100,000 Kalashnikovs arrive from Russia (already ordered), he will have set the stage to invade the "Imperialist Conspirator" Colombia. Already aligned with Evo Morales of Bolivia, this will be the Germany-Austria-Hungary of the 21st century.

This is why short people should never be allowed to run countries. A massive inferiority complex combined with a boatload of AK-47s is hardly ever good.

Enemy Reconnaissance

2007-06-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Much to my wife's chagrin, I frequently read articles with which I know I will disagree. She shakes her head when she sees my blood pressure increase from doing something I do voluntarily. I prefer to think of it as "keeping tabs on what the enemy is thinking".

For example, I read or watch Lou Dobbs' do-anything-for-ratings, populist regurge. In my defense, I now have another reason: learning how NOT to convince an audience with an IQ over 75. I understand that as a TV news host you may be tempted to do whatever you can to maintain a small fraction of a shrinking market. Dobbs consistently falls into the oldest trap in news media: assigning the part of antagonist to something faceless. "Corporations" or "The Government" are always to blame as if these were HAL 9000-like automatons not made up entirely of people. Somehow "corporations" can be blamed without putting anyone out of work.

Today I want to draw your attention to another columnist (not to be confused with journalist) to whom CNN keeps giving airtime: Ruben Navarette. This guy is awesome in his own mind. Every article he writes gets front-page listing on CNN.com and I have yet to read one that makes a lick of sense. He is an unabashed puppet of Mexican foreign policy. In case you forgot, Mexico's idea of reducing the Mexican poverty level is to send more people to the U.S. If you want your blood to boil, you can read some of his propaganda here and here.

If your blood pressure goes up from reading these article, remember: I warned you.

B.S. in General Studies

2007-06-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

This story is awesome. Read it here. Several Liberal Arts colleges (also known as Fast Food Franchise farm teams) have gotten together to boycott the US News and World Report survey of the most admired colleges in the US. Apparently, 13th century Germanic Cuisine and Antarctic Gender Studies are not well-respected cornerstone curricula.

I'm sure the message here is "My school should be respected for teaching well". On one hand that's true. On the other hand, preparing kids for life by giving them a liberal arts education is like preparing soldiers for war by showing them the first two seasons of Hogan's Heroes.

I gotta say, it would be good to see Math and Engineering getting some props. Don't get me wrong, I think being well-rounded is great. I like to make analogies that involve Sisyphus and the French Revolution. But I talk about that after I've made some contribution to GDP. Reading Sartre and doing bong hits is not making you more marketable. Unless you get that one-in-a-million shot to be the next Kato Kaelin, you need to have some kind of skills.

Here's to you students memorizing the Krebs Cycle or studying Fluid Dynamics. For you studying Liberal Arts, get acquainted with the phrases "Thank you for calling AT&T. How can I help you?" and "I have a double tall soy mocha on the bar".

Technology for its own sake

2007-06-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

I am fully prepared for the Gen Y backlash on this post, but here it goes anyway. The new iPhone from Apple is set to be launched next week. I'm sure it will be great for some people and will probably encourage more innovation in the mobile phone industry. However, this story bothers me. Users will be able to watch YouTube clips on the iPhone.

I am annoyed enough by drivers who are merely talking on their phones. The first time I get cut off in traffic by some 23-year-old watching a partially-diapered monkey throw his own poo, I am going to lose my proverbial shit.

You've been warned. Watch the drunken Hasselhoff video for the 15th time at home!

Classic blunders

2007-06-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

In The Princess Bride, the character Vizzini points out two of the world's classic blunders:

Never get involved in a land war in Asia
Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line

He claims the second is "only slightly less well-known" than the first. A close third has to be: Never race a dragster down a crowded parade route. Inconceivably, someone in Selmer, Tennessee has done just such a thing. Read story. I am not going to make light of the events since people died, but come on!

I want the event coordinators to walk me through the thought process that led them to believe this was a good idea. I shouldn't be surprised by this kind of thing based on the fact that similar things happen all the time.

"I'm sure the drag show will please more kids than it will maim."
"This crystal meth ought to break me out of this funk"
"You know what this movie needs? John Travolta!"
"Making ethanol has to be the best use for corn"
"I'm sure nationalizing the oil industry will make it more efficient"

Irony defined

2007-06-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

The Weinstein brothers, recently free of the oppression of working for Disney, have made a deal with the devil by agreeing to release Sicko. For those of you who have not seen any of news stories (read: free publicity), this is Michael Moore's "expose" on America's health care system. Moore takes some otherwise sympathetic workers to Cuba to show that the backwater Communist regime provides better health care than we have in the U.S.

The laughable premise is not the point of this post, but let's face facts. Castro would gladly pay 3% of his country's GDP to embarrass the Yanquis. So the idea that they get the same care as other Cubans is like thinking Robert Downey, Jr. gets the same penalties for possession that ordinary Americans would.

The point REALLY is that several weeks prior to the release of said crockumentary, a pirated version of the movie has been released on YouTube. As you know, I think Intellectual Property theft is wrong. It's theft. This is not a gray issue.

However, I think the theft of Intellectual Property from someone who claims not to care about Intellectual Property is hilarious. Moore himself has lambasted copyright laws. I'm sure Harvey and Bob think it's less hilarious. Hopefully they will learn their lesson: Get in bed with Jabba the Media-Slut, wake up gasping for air under unshaven cheek fat.

Leadership down

2007-06-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

My leadership class has ended. I am now certified to get people to work harder for the same money. I have to say, this class did very little to diminish my opinion that "people who don't work tell the people who work how to work".

I also "learned" that interview questions like "Why are manhole covers round?" and "How would you go about calculating the volume of water that flows down the Mississippi every day?" are not good questions. Even for analysts.

Behavioral questions are great. I can learn how someone did something in the past. But those questions don't tell me shit about how fast they did it. I need to know if a future employee is going to do something in two hours or two weeks. I need to know if they're going to spend an entire frickin' day determining how the analysis makes them feel.

The Great Inertia sees the people who do work the same way John Edwards sees people who earn a lot of money: Tax Target. Once you have a group of people doing work, doing it well and getting some results, the Great Inertia steps in and wants you to "balance your team". This is like "balancing" an effective helium balloon with some depleted uranium.

With all due respect to Stanley Jobson, "You're fucking up my ch'i"

WWMK?

2007-06-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Who would Muhammad kill? I'm asking because apparently it's not just Crusaders, Zionists, Infidels, Christians, adulterers, thieves, jay-walkers and people who can read. If you believe Hamas, Muhammad would kill everyone who is not entirely, obsessively committed to the ideals of Hamas today.

I love how people think the Old Testament and the Qur'an are the literal word of God. Even if you believe the original document WAS the literal word of God, wasn't it transcribed by people for hundreds of years? Likely by barleywine-soaked monks?

I'm sure there was something in the original text like "Thou shalt not turn barley into an intoxicating beverage like those smelly Egyptians do". I'm betting a group of monks working late one night (right after the "I love you, man" phase had passed) started to get belligerent and changed Commandment 10 because Gary was looking at one of the nuns funny. "Fuck this No Drinking shit. Let's make it something about coveting wives; we're all celibate anyway"

My point is: Hamas is killing off Fatah supporters like Chlordane kills ants for the sole reason that their hand-transposed copy of the Holy Book is better.

My question is: in a 100% Hamas world, who would Hamas kill?

The "I"s have it (Wake me when it's over)

2007-06-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, I have been attending leadership classes. For those of you not familiar with the euphemism, "leadership" in this context means getting more work out of your employees without paying them more. I think there's a conflict of interest with one's own company teaching them about leadership. It's like Jiffy Lube teaching you about how often you need to change your oil.

Yesterday, I learned that I was of the personality type that gets things done. The class wants me to understand the needs of people who don't get things done. Are star quarterbacks taught how to throw the ball differently to slippery-handed receivers? No. I think the team just cuts the receiver.

The class (obviously conceived by the Great Inertia, notorious for NOT doing anything useful) explained that I need to be more patient and listen to the feelings of others before we solve problems. Here's the deal. I solve problems when I'm tired, irritable, exasperated or mildly itchy. Talking about how itchy I am only prolongs the time with which we have to live without a solution. When the problem is solved, I will scratch that itch and never burden you with the details of where it was.

If you want to talk about your feelings before helping me solve a problem, have the courtesy to do it in front of the mirror in the restroom. By the time you get back, I'll be 90% done and you can jump in just in time to slow down that last 10%.

Help me help you

2007-06-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

I love this blog. I take pride in making sure that there are quality posts on here to help my readers see the world more clearly. However, I am not as motivated as I could be.

I once worked a summer at a restaurant that was in the same building as an OTB. For those of you who can't imagine, it was less than fulfilling. The clientele only had money (and interest) in two things: booze and ponies. I worked four ten-hour shifts per week. During one of the shifts that summer, I cooked one order. One. The pay was OK. I could cook whatever I wanted for lunch. I ate steak so many times, I thought I could tackle the old-96er. I read 1-2 books a week. I think I read every Michael Crichton book ever written that summer. I quit well before the summer was over. I have never felt less motivated.

Recently, I began tracking the number of unique hits to the Most Casual Observer. For a while in early May, I was really gaining some traction. I was getting 35-40 unique hits a day. I thought I was just about to break out. Now? Not so much.

I know there are some of you that visit quite often. I appreciate you. However, if you're waiting for my permission to tell your friends about it, stop waiting. You have it.

Everything that's wrong with America in 12 ounces

2007-06-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

I can sum up all the things I would like to change about America (complacency, lack of imagination, sheep-like adherence to peers, slave-master relationship with marketing firms) in just 12 ounces: Budweiser. A completely inferior product whose marketing costs far outweigh the raw materials cost.

This beer is all flash and no substance. It's made with rice, for fuck's sake. RICE! At no point in history would the German Busch family ever dream of using a different grain than barley to make beer. In fact, in Germany it is illegal to call it beer if it is made with anything other than hops, barley, water and yeast.

To drink Budweiser is to wallow in the complacency of sameness. The direct parallel is the constant re-election of criminally inept politicians because "oh, I think I've heard that name before". Word association is a poor criterion for beer selection. Try something else, you herd animal. It might be bad, but I tell you what: It won't be worse than Budweiser "The King of Rice Beers". Shit, drink Sterno. At least that would show some imagination.

Oh, and have a great weekend.

...fool me twice, shame on me.

2007-06-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

Did you see that the House of Representatives has passed a resolution to look into the possibility of voting to recommend the expulsion of Louisiana Representative William Jefferson. You heard me right. They wasted a day (or $372,000 in salary) to show that they want to think about maybe recommending the removal from Congress of a man under Federal indictment for taking $500,000 and soliciting millions more in bribes. Way to show your courage, Congressmen!

I get frustrated with Congress on days like today. But in the end, I need to take the blame to the people. It was well-publicised that this hubris jockey was found with $90,000 in his freezer TWO YEARS ago. Yet, the nine-fingered people of Louisiana re-elected him this past November. I'm beginning to think that some states just like corruption. You know, the same way Californians love traffic. Oh, they complain about it. But they wouldn't cause so much needless traffic if they didn't secretly love it.

I love freedom and democracy, but neither democracy nor freedom is free. To that end, I think we need a tiny bit of the Chinese model. Recently, a senior Chinese official was sentenced to the death penalty for corruption. This is classic risk/reward. Being a Congressman in the U.S. comes with a lot of perks and practically no downside.

Let's add a little downside to the equation. Spice things up a bit.

Infinitesimal Wisdon

2007-06-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

Like many veterans of Corporate America, I am about to embark on a training class that is mandatory but not likely to help me in any measurable way. For those of you unfamiliar, there are generally two types of training: "training to help you work" and "training to help you work with others".

As background for those of you who don't work in a box, more than 75% of people in Corporate America do little more than talk about work. This group will be referred to as the Great Inertia. Well less than 25% of people actually do the work. Unfortunately, the people who design training classes are often from the Great Inertia.

Here's the best part: the Great Inertia is often not able to keep up with people who "do work". Their answer: design programs to tell Workers that their method of communication is a weakness. Workers should slow down, try to empathize, listen to the feelings of the Great Inertia. The irony? Designing programs that grind progress to a near-halt are considered to be accomplishments!

Get your revenge today. Get to the point quickly. Have focused meetings. Implement solutions that are good for the company without stopping to get the Great Inertia up to speed.

This will NOT be the last blog on this topic...

Can't buy me love...

2007-06-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

If someone were to offer you a deal like "Do your job, keep your mouth shut, make heaps upon gobs of money" it's hard to believe you would say "No. Can't do it. I gotta be me."

Here is just a short list of people having trouble with the concept recently.

The Police - For my younger readers, the Police were the biggest band of the 1980's. You may have heard of one of their members, Sting. (Yes, the guy from the Jaguar commercials). After two shows (and, yes, I called this back on February 12th when the tour was announced), the infighting has begun. I imagine the tour will last 5-8 more shows before one of the band members breaks another's nose and a restraining order prevents the entire band from playing in the same end of the arena.

Lou Pinella - When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. When the only management technique you have is berating umpires with childish tantrums that make the parodies of such tantrums look tame, it might be time to try something new. Suspended 5 games.

Billy Donovan - Accepts $27.5 MILLION to coach the Orlando Magic for 5 years. That was Friday. By Monday, he was "having second thoughts". What is in the water in Florida? Is he using the same pen to sign contracts that Ricky Williams used?

To paraphrase Eddie Murphy (quoting Richard Pryor), these people need "to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up".

Most Casual Observer Contest!

2007-06-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

The Observer has been around long enough that I think it's time for a contest. The winner will get their choice of the following:

Write a blog and have it appear on the Most Casual Observer

Give me a topic about which I will write a blog even if I currently have no knowledge of the subject. I will research the topic and write a highly opinionated blog.

So what are the rules? Submit a comment detailing at least 10 pop culture references to movies, music or TV shows that have appeared in Most Casual Observer since March (also list the movie, TV show or song of origin). Hint: there are at least 10 just in the titles of my blogs. After the first comment, each new comment must contain unique references (no copying the first 10 and adding 2 more). If you are not a registered user, please leave some creative way of distinguishing yourself from all the other Anonymous users. Otherwise, you may find someone claiming your prize.

The most correct references will win. Good luck!

[Update] This is not that hard. Here's an example:

Blog title: "Shock the Honky" Reference: Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey

Blog title: "Detroit: Mock City" Reference: KISS song Detroit, Rock City

Blog example: Hal 9000 Reference: 2001: A Space Odyssey

I'm not the worst. I'm not the worst!

2007-05-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

If you had a moment of weakness recently and listened to any of the angry drivel oozing from both sides of Former president Jimmy Carter's mouth, you would have heard him deride President Bush as the worst in history. I agree with the Financial Times' assessment: "like Pelé calling another footballer the best who ever played".

While a better man (defined as anyone not in prison for a felony) might be using this as a call to change, coming from Carter it sounds like "Woohoo! I'm no longer the worst". Apparently the target audience for his latest half-senile tirade was Generation Y. If you were alive (and not buried in a mound of cocaine at Studio 54) during the late 70's, you will remember Stagflation, Hostages and some of the most pliant foreign policy of the 20th century.

Like Gary Condit jumping for joy at the fact that 9/11 jerked the national spotlight onto something worse, Carter is trying to point to the only person worse than himself. Perhaps he could just work on his library and speak at charity events. Oh wait, that's what mediocre former presidents do. Sorry, Jimmy. You don't qualify.

You can't translate crazy...

2007-05-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

... but I'll try. Cindy Sheehan wound down her three-year reign of martyrdom Monday with a easily-predicted temper tantrum. Here are some excerpts (with translation):

"Good-bye America ... you are not the country that I love" Not that she ever did.
"Casey did indeed die for nothing" by "nothing" she means America, which she admits means nothing to her
"I have also reached the conclusion that if I am doing what I am doing because I am an 'attention whore' then I really need to be committed." Even a crazy clock is right twice a day
"I'm going home for awhile to try and be normal" Good luck with that.
"our Representative Republic will die and be replaced with what we are rapidly descending into with nary a check or balance: a fascist corporate wasteland." Hmmm. Fascist? Try being an outspoken critic of the government under actual fascism. I don't think you'd just be "weary" at this point.

Before you go off and label me an "America: Love It or Leave It" kook, I do not equate protesting the war with hating America. It is possible to have strong feelings about the invasion of Iraq and love America. That being said, Cindy Sheehan does not love America. She probably hated America before her son even enlisted. No self-respecting American would travel to Latin America to do a photo-op with a Stalin wannabe. See related story

Her woe-is-me hyperbole goes on for several paragraphs on Daily Kos. Ms. Sheehan, Casey did not "die for nothing". He died to defend your right to hate America. On your way out of the limelight, feel free to defecate on his grave.

Back to the Grind

2007-05-29T06:06:00.000-07:00

I have intentionally unplugged myself from the news over the long weekend. The Observer will return to form tomorrow.

However, I had an experience yesterday that made me rethink they way I interact with other people. I was exiting an airplane after returning from vacation. Of course, the flight attendants feel compelled to say something to each passenger as they leave. I find inane conversation tedious, at best. (I know, you're shocked). However, this was different. The flight attendant said "Watch your head". Now to be fair, I am 6'5". I do need to watch my head. However, I have been 6'5" for 18 years. She said "Watch your head" like today was the first day I was tall.

It made me wonder: do I treat people as if this were the first day they are the way they are? I am going to make a conscious effort to find out. Don't worry, I'll still treat stupid people as if they've been stupid for what seems like an eternity.

Ahhh, vacation

2007-05-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

The Most Casual Observer will be on vacation until 5/29. If you think of something you'd like to see in the blog, leave a message.

Have a great weekend

Gravy train crashes, freeloader injured

2007-05-25T05:52:00.000-07:00

I know you think this is one of my sick jokes, but this story is completely real. Read it here. Recently, a St. Louis Cardinals pitcher named Josh Hancock killed himself (inadvertently, one would assume) after drinking too much and then driving home. He crashed into a parked tow truck. He was the only fatality.

Now, I will stipulate that it is sad to see a talented young man die in such a way. However, if anyone was going to die as a result of Josh Hancock's stupidity it should be Josh Hancock. Well, that's not how his money-grubbing father, Dean sees it. Deano has filed lawsuits against (get this) the bar's owner, the bar's manager, (it gets better) the tow truck company and (best of all) the broken down motorist.

I cannot determine what makes me loathe this man more: the fact that he mooched of his son in life and continues to do so in death, or the fact that he is suing someone else for his son's stupidity, lack of self-control and dumb luck. I say dumb luck because this would come off as just a tad tacky if the accident had caused the death of a 5 year-old.

I am going to move Dean Hancock up on the MCO's Most Reviled List to #2 behind Hugo Chavez. I'm going to ask W to rebuild Abu Ghraib and send Dean and his lawyer there to make naked human pyramids for the next 15-20 years.

The new face of Evil.

Talk to your doctor today

2007-05-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

Do you suffer from LMNOP₁? Recent studies suggest as many as 1 in 3 Americans suffer from LMNOP₂. LMNOP is serious. Our research shows that as many as 100% of people with LMNOP will die₃. Ask your doctor if you are at risk for LMNOP.

Some people are not even aware that they have LMNOP. In some people, LMNOP displays NO symptoms. That's why you should talk to your doctor today. You may have LMNOP if you have any of the following symptoms: fatigue, dry mouth, wet mouth, irritability, gregariousness, pain in the extremities, loss of sensation in the extremities, loneliness, hypochondria, triskaidekaphobia, xenophobia, headaches or dizziness.

Sucrosabling® may alleviate your symptoms, if you had any. Sucrosabling® may also exacerbate the rising cost of health care. Consult your economist before accepting subsidized prescriptions for medicines you do not need.

Lame Marketing to Naive Older People
The number may be as few as 1 in 300 Million
Of those with LMNOP who died, most were due to other so-called real ailments like heart disease, cancer, liver disease or scooter accidents.

You keep using that word…

2007-05-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

I try to live my life constantly evaluating risk & reward. Making myself appear smarter than I actually am could have certain rewards assuming I was willing to take the risk. I think a lot of people to not fully appreciate the risks here when they go after the rewards.

Using big words can make a person appear to have a large vocabulary. Using non-words just makes you look like an idiot. Your average person knows what the word “lax” means (if you thought it was short for lacrosse, stop reading my blog). That average person has also probably heard the word lackadaisical. In a moment of weakness, they will want to describe something as lazy or apathetic. Instead of using a tiny word like lax, they will go for the knockout linguistic punch: laxadaisical. Oh, so close. This is the language equivalent trying to win the heavyweight title by biting Evander Holyfield’s ear.

My personal favorite, though, came from a friend. She was bragging about her method for boosting her memory. She said she was using a pneumatic device. We’re pretty sure she meant mnemonic, but the mental picture of using an air-driven mechanism to boost memory was quite funny.

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

May Observer quiz

2007-05-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

Below are 5 headlines from this month. I have removed one word or phrase from each headline and moved it below. See if you can reassemble the headlines in a meaningful way.

Cuba to spend $185 million for ________

Pope assails Marxism and _______

Shop owner appeals _______ case

Al Gore says he's fallen out of love with ________

Scientists fail to lure ______ to ocean.

Missing words below:
politics
whales
tourism
capitalism
sex toys

A lot of the combinations are funny. The real ones are even funnier.

I scream, blue screen, we all scream at the blue screen

2007-05-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

No post today due to B.S.o.D. on home PC. In an ironic twist of fate, I may be updating the blog from my TRS 80 in the near future....

Fezzik, you did something right!

2007-05-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

Well, nobody could ever accuse the US Postal Service of being as charming as Andre the Giant's character in The Princess Bride. They have, however, managed to do something laudable for the first time since...since...since...did I mention they did something right?

First class postage rates went up on Monday but more importantly, the USPS has introduced "Forever Stamps". Basically, there will be a first class stamp that you can buy now and it will always be effective, regardless of rate increases. See it here. Don't go hoarding them; the present value isn't that good. I am just so ecstatic that I won't ever have to buy 1 and 2 cent stamps anymore.

I'm thinking that if an inefficient behemoth like the Post Office can accept change, school vouchers can't be too far away.

Save Paris

2007-05-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

Following Paris Hilton's recent sentence to 45 days in jail, her fans have started an online petition to request a pardon from Governor Schwarzenegger. You can see the sycophantic text here. A petition espousing the opposite position (that she should serve the full term) has been started on the same domain. Result: more than twice as many signatures as the first.

You may (or may not) be wondering what the Most Casual Observer's position is on the original petition. Well, I am in favor of it! In favor of the petition that is, not in favor of the pardon. I think if there are 27,000 people out there who think this is the cause they want to get behind, we should know who they are. These people are indeed living the surreal life.

I am in favor of moving this petition to a more mainstream server. Maybe CNN. Larry King is never one to miss a chance to kiss some celebrity ass. The caveat is that I would get to write the "Terms and Conditions" for signing the petition. Maybe something like this:

By signing this petition, you agree not to sign any other petitions for three (3) years or until you get your GED, whichever comes first.
In the event of a food shortage in the US, you agree to do your part to facilitate the production of Soylent Green.
You will refrain from voting in any election other than American Idol.
You will henceforth agree to pay a 100% periodical tax on the following publications: People, Us Weekly, InStyle, Newsweek
You agree to get rid of those flashcards in your packet that say: Inhale, Exhale, Repeat

Yes, you can discriminate against the actively stupid; their lobbying efforts have proven ineffective.

Choices carry (He said, "Shut up now")

2007-05-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

At the grocery store today, it occurred to me that I need to help some of my fellow citizens out. Here we go: Choices are like assholes. Some of them stink, but we all have to live with our own.

I bring this up because I was in line at the self checkout. (I know, this is the second reference to self checkout. I am NOT obsessed. I just see this as my time to get some benefit out of my intelligence.) So anyway, this woman in front of me scans her few items in a rapid fashion. So far, I'm happy. But as she goes to pay, voila le merde. She is going to write a check. No that's not a typo; a fucking check.

Here's my point about choices. If you leave the house after making the decidedly bad choice of bringing only a completely antiquated form of payment, you are giving up the right to use self checkout. Self checkout is for speedy and efficient people. Analogy time! Paying with a check at the self checkout is like updating your blog with a TRS 80. It's anachronistic and it's slowing the whole process down.

Another choice that people make but refuse to live with is buying a Hummer. Buying a Hummer is a choice. I'm not going to say that by itself it's a bad choice. However, if you do decide to buy a 6000 pound phallus substitute, you do NOT get to park it in a regular spot. If you feel you absolutely, positively must park less than 10 feet from the front door, buy a Corolla. Park your giant pseudo-truck out farther. Just because you can swing the door open over the top of my Sentra, does not mean I want you parking there. You made a choice to buy a car that says "I'm insecure". You don't have to go all Gravedigger every time you go to Starbucks.

How do you say "marketing blunder" in Latin?

2007-05-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

Pope Benedict XVI (who woulda thunk it? There have been more Benedicts than there have been Rocky movies) has been in office for two years now. His actions to date have not drawn much attention from the mainstream media. His trip to South America is getting some good press time, however. The problem might be the marketing.

Any Marketing 101 class will tell you that the location and timing of the message are as important as the message itself. For this reason, I find it odd that Benedict is going to bust out the capo di tutti capi of all Catholic threats now. He has implied he would support a threat to excommunicate Mexico City's politicians if they allow a bill to liberalize abortion rights to become law.

Bad form. This is like the NRA holding a rally at Columbine. Mexico City is one of the 10 largest cities (by population) in the solar system. Add to that, parts of it are extremely poor. If there's a place in this world that needs to think twice before they pop out more kids, it's Mexico City.

I understand that if you believe something, you believe it. I'm just saying the venue could have been better. I mean you never saw Steve Forbes lobbying for the Flat Tax from the business center of the Ritz Carlton Grand Cayman, now did you?

If you're happy and you know it, blow yourself up in a crowded marketplace

2007-05-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

This really reaffirms your belief in the "Religion of Peace". Did you see this story where Hamas is using a Mickey Mouse knockoff to teach Palestinian children about the evils of Isreal? Farfour (see below) tells children "We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers." Man, I hope that lost something in translation. Hearing a squeaky mouse voice say that would make me want to kill myself.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

2007-05-09T05:33:00.000-07:00

How often does your party make you want to cry? Your political party, I mean. Unless you are less free thinking than a tree stump, you must find contradictions within your political party. As Americans we have been force-fed the idea of two parties, Republicans and Democrats. Yes, there are more parties but they're not real. The Green Party was a joke before they hitched their wagon to Ralph Nader. And Libertarians have a bad habit of selecting (possibly by default) a guy that advocates legalizing drugs and prostitution. The Libertarian candidates I've seen look like they'd REALLY like to make those things come true too.

So back to the only two parties that will win a presidential election any time soon. Both are amalgams of disparate voting blocks constantly advocating a long list of ideas that no sane person can buy into 100%. Look at the Republicans. You have small-government, pro-Capitalism go-getters in bed with Bible-thumping, socially repressive knuckle draggers. Ask a mixed bag of Republicans what they thought of the movie Wall Street and you will get two very different verdicts (probably "epic" and "apocalyptic", respectively).

The Democrats are no more homogeneous. Here you have free-thinking social liberals getting down and dirty with an organized labor movement that thinks the verboten C-word is "change". Think I'm wrong? Try mentioning your advocacy of gay marriage rights at meeting of your local Teamsters. My guess is you'll be wishing for some of that universal health care.

Here's my plan: "Blow that shit up". Dismantle the unholy alliances. This will accomplish two things. One, you won't have to hear Giuliani tap-dance around the topic of abortion anymore. Two, American could actually get some stuff done. No longer would Congress impede progress along two party lines. Goldwater Republicans could back off this untenable interference with stem cell research. Progressives could finally vote for school vouchers.

What a wonderful place this would be.

Perception is Reality TV

2007-05-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

Try an experiment with me. I'm thinking of a celebrity. On probation. Recently arrested. Facing jail time for probation violations.

Do you think jail time is too harsh for this person? After you've made up your mind, click here to find out who I'm talking about. I'm wondering if your answer changed.

Rappin' with Al

2007-05-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

Having successfully eliminated some of his competition in the talk radio segment, Al Sharpton has decided he is going to go after a much grander bastion of racism and misogyny: rap music. You might think Sharpton discretely called several big name rap acts and told them he would appreciate their cooperation in setting a good example for today's black youth. You'd be wrong.

He protested (I know, you're shocked) in front of Universal Music Group saying that record companies need to clean up rap music. For those of you keeping score at home: when a white person says something racist, blame white people. When a black person says something racist, blame white people. Reuters quoted Sharpton as saying "Once we finish with the record companies, we must deal with the HBOs and others". Let me get this straight: he wants white people to censor black artists? I don't see that working out too well.

The four tools Sharpton and Jesse Jackson seem to have are protest, threaten boycott, protest and, um, threaten boycott. OK. So when are they going to call for a boycott of gangsta rap? Analogy time! This is like robbing a bank with a squirt gun. As long as the bank believes it's a real gun, you'll get paid. But if you fire the gun and all you do is make the security guard a little damp, get ready for Federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison. Sharpton won't call for a boycott of rap music because it will fail. If a personally-championed boycott fails, Al with be showing us that his gun is made of cheap, injection molded plastic.

Good job, Al. You've lived up to our decidedly low expectations.

These 7 hour days are killing me

2007-05-07T05:02:00.000-07:00

Well, not me exactly. But they are killing the European countries that have the 35 hour work week. Trying to regulate the labor market (frankly any market) with laws that limit supply and demand is prone to failure. The French method of tightly regulating the labor market has had the "surprising" effect of creating 8.2% unemployment. It should not shock anyone that les juene hommes are rioting; they have little else to do.

Nicolas Sarkozy has been elected as France's next President. Laudably, he has referred to the 35-hour work week as "absurd". As a fellow fiscal conservative, he would like to change some of his country's labor laws to make France more dynamic and competitive. He has a short mandate, too. Eighty-four percent of eligible voters turned out to give him a decent margin of victory.

He has his work cut out for him, however. The French labor movement has no qualms about shutting the whole country down for weeks at a time to preserve their precious (and exorbitantly expensive) entitlements. Only 13 months ago, students and young workers protested for two months in the face of a bill that would have liberalised labor laws. Maybe French college students need more weed and video games.

Good luck to you, Monsieur Sorkozy. I am rooting for you. On the plus side, if it doesn't work out Ford will get orders for about 10,000 new Fiestas to replace the ones torched in the riots.

With Friends like these...

2007-05-07T05:01:00.000-07:00

For any of you who still think Cindy Sheehan has credibility...

The French Convection

2007-05-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Have you been following the French presidential elections? Our friend Jacques Chirac has finally done enough damage to France and is leaving office. In last month's primary election, Nicolas Sarkozy and Segolene Royal emerged as the top candidates for president.

In a move mirroring that of Mexican sore loser Manuel López Obrador, Royal has hinted that there may be violence if Sarkozy wins. Was this a threat? It clearly was a threat in Obrador's case. He protested and nearly shut down Mexico City following his loss. Good job, Al Gore. You've proven that "losing" is only as binding as you make it.

Reuter's quoted Royal as saying "It is my responsibility today to alert people to the risk of (his) candidature with regards to the violence and brutality that would be unleashed in the country (if he won)". Was she referring to future consequences of his policies or was this a direct threat? In retrospect, I'm sure she will tell you it was the former. That, however, makes it no less alarming.

I'm telling you what: if I don't win the open seat on the Home Owners' Association board there could be violence in my cul-de-sac.

Absolutely Fabulous

2007-05-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

Do you feel (as I do) that certain special interest groups are damaging themselves by clinging so tightly to an issue that they refuse to concede even the most ludicrous fringe of their argument?

I have a few examples.

Pro-choice groups try to defend the availability of late-term abortions. While we can debate the morality of first trimester abortions all day, having a death-grip on Rowe Vs. Wade to the point of protecting third trimester abortions is ludicrous.
The National Rifle Association sees the right to own firearms as being so absolute that it stakes its credibility on the defense of private ownership of assault rifles. I do not see any marginal benefit to a 600 round-per-minute weapon over a pump shotgun for all legitimate civilian needs.

This is where the "slippery slope" argument comes into play. Defenders of free speech often play this card when university administrators try to squelch hate speech. I'm sure if you read enough Most Casual Observer posts, you will find at least one reference to slippery slope.

However, this kind of absolutism belies our claims to intelligence. Shouldn't we be able to set "reasonable" limits without resorting to absolutism? I'm feeling clairvoyant here because I know your next question. "But if we can't all agree what is 'reasonable', how will the limits be set?"

That's what I'm here for.

Slightly Off Topic

2007-05-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

This is not a sports blog. I am not going to make this a sports blog. However, it is a "call out the moron pundit" blog. I listen to Mike & Mike in the Morning on ESPN2 (Also on ESPN Radio). It's a great show. This morning a guest, Rick Reilly, stated his opinion about the Patriots' acquisition of Randy Moss.

I’m paraphrasing: Bill Belichick has made a colossal mistake trading for Randy Moss. Randy Moss is not a team player. Randy Moss only cares about himself. Randy Moss’ best years are behind him. This trade will lead to the destruction of the Patriots.

This went on for a while. While none of the statements about Randy Moss specifically can be fully refuted, I want you to try an exercise with me.

Take Reilly’s statement, get into a time machine, go back to 2004 and do this:

Now, what do you have? Several sports broadcasters made the same comments in 2004 about former Bengal Corey Dillon. All he did was rush for 1635 yards his first year and score 13 TDs 3 years in a row and help New England win the 2004 Super Bowl (in addition to 5 other playoff games in 3 years).

I’m not saying that IS what is going to happen, but stranger things have happened. I mean it. Quentin Tarantino was able to breathe life into another lifeless career when he cast John Ravolta [sic] in Pulp Fiction.

SynTax Error

2007-04-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

A reader asked my opinion on a tax system based on people's political party affiliation. This person said "democrats believe in paying high taxes...". I guess this was implying that they would volunteer to pay for universal health care.

Let's get one thing straight. Democrats believe in other people paying high taxes. They believe in taxing "the Rich". I have never heard the AFL-CIO advocating higher taxes for their members. You don't see dread-locked, independent-book-store workers checking that box that says "Yes, I will pay an extra $3 in my taxes". To further my point, let's look at the current rule of 75 (By "current", I mean 2004 because it is the government doing the work). 75% of tax returns are filed with Adjusted Gross Income (AGI) of less than $75,000. However, 75% of taxes are paid by those returns filed with an AGI of over $75,000. Feel free to check my math here.

I am not going to let Republicans off the hook entirely, here. The Correct Right believes in lower taxes, smaller government and economic freedom. The current regime (the God Right) seems to have double-crossed the rest of us with waste, mismanagement and payoffs to the Blue-Haired Mafia.

I'm going to advocate a meritocracy system for Congress. We'll give them raises as a percentage of the amount they reduce budget from the prior year. Who's with me?

Quick Math Lesson

2007-04-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

Creationists have many ways to rationalize their beliefs. One of the most amusing is that "The Earth is too young for life to have evolved to its current state". The word billion gets thrown around quite a bit, but I wonder if people really grasp what 5 billion years is like.

Consider that no human has ever lived for 5 Billion seconds. In fact, life expectancy is half that. Now consider another huge number: there are 31,536,000 seconds in a year. Quick extrapolation: the Earth has been around for 63,072,000 lifetimes. Add to that that life expectancy has doubled in the last 500 years: 126,144,000 lifetimes. Before I can get into the meat of the argument, we're back up to a number people can't get their minds around.

Let's try it with money. 5 Billion dollars isn't a lot right? I mean the government spends that every 16 hours. Wrong. Consider that you and 2,700 of your closest friends will not make $5 Billion in a lifetime (that's about 2.5 Billion seconds, in case you forgot)

Let's give 5 Billion some credit.

Helping you out

2007-04-24T05:26:00.000-07:00

I feel there should be some redeeming quality to reading this blog. To that end, I am going to help you out.

Here are some ways to avoid being an asshole today:

When you get to the front of the line, you should already know what you want.
If you have the right of way, take it. Ambiguously waving me in just slows us both down.
If you don't know how to use the self-checkout at the grocery store, learn a different day. If on the second try it seems too challenging, maybe technology isn't your thing.
When the waiter or waitress asks if anyone needs another beer, they mean "now or in the next few minutes". If you say "no", you are barred from ordering one when they return with your friend's beer.
Get your mind around the difference between Southwest and every other airline. If you have an assigned seat, you don't need to box me out to get to 10C before I do. I am not going to sit in your precious 10C.
Don't circle the mall like a vulture waiting for someone to load all 4 of their kids into the minivan. Accept the fact that you came at a bad time. Park farther away. By the time you walk to the mall, that minivan will still be getting buckled up.
Unless you are Robocop, there is no need to keep your phone physically attached to your head when it's not in use.
If you feel compelled to buy a gift for someone you don't know very well, make it a gift card. If you think a picture frame is a good gift for Bob, please get to know Bob a little better. Then you can buy him a thoughtful gift.

Lastly, if one of your friends is being an asshole, you are not doing him/her any favors by playing along. Call your friends out if they one-drink the waitress. You'll be making the world a better place.

You're the Inspiration

2007-04-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am calling the last request for topics a complete success. Several requests led to three great posts in a week. It's Friday. Give me something to think about over the weekend. You might be (un)pleasantly surprised on Monday.

Make your Future, Danny

2007-04-20T05:00:00.000-07:00

Fill in the blank:

I like everything about Most Casual Observer EXCEPT __________.

Don't think it won't make a difference. One of my loyal readers pointed out that my posts had "too many words and not enough pictures". While I ain't gonna make this the USA Today, I did add my first pictures this week.

"Oooh, shiny!"

Drop in the Ocean

2007-04-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

A reader has asked the question "how (do) you think organized religion has helped or hindered the progression of science in the last 150 yrs?". I find the question curious and moot at the same time. I would say it is analogous to asking "How many donuts has Michael Moore eaten in April of this year?" or "How many stupid things did Bill O'Reilly say on today's show?"

All of these are mere drops in the proverbial bucket. Compared to the fact that organized religion caused the Dark Ages, any hindrance in the last 150 years seems de minimis. Yes, Reverend Bush has temporarily paused stem cell research. Yes, the Moral Majority may have hindered efforts to ramp up money on AIDS research.

However, the fact that we needed a Renaissance at all is the fault of organized religion. The Egyptians built the Fucking Pyramids and the Greeks built the Colossus of Rhodes before Jesus was an itch in His Pants. From 500AD to 1000AD, Western Civilization (under the thumb of Catholicism) actually forgot shit. We went backwards. No one can say for sure how much mankind forgot or how far we regressed, but let's just say that little setback cost us 700 years.

No, let's say that today we were 700 years further down the innovation timeline. Think we'd finally have those flying cars? Maybe FTL space flight? Cures for cancer? With that much time we probably would have found several other civilizations in the galaxy. Strangely, the fact that we haven't found other civilizations (suggesting we are the only intelligent life) seems to be evidence to some creationists that we were divinely inspired.

Coincidence? I think not.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, Toasty

2007-04-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, a reader asked me about my position on global warming. While I'm sure they were trying to goad me into making some statement that they could refute 78 years from now, I will instead ask you to think for yourselves (as dangerous as that may be).

I will ask you to consider 3 things. First, the scientific community was alarmed about global COOLING as recently as 1980. The National Science Board alerted the global temperature had fallen irregularly and some scientists were predicting a coming ice age. "Read our scientific study or you might DIE!"

Second, man's self-importance might be somewhat to play on this issue. Consider that global warming is increasing in parallel not just with SUV-miles but with population itself. Consider that correlation between Population increases and global warming.

Sorry, I couldn't find two graphs for the same time periods so you'll actually have to look at just the time period from 1950-2010. The point is, scientists believe that our actions dictate global warming. But could our mere existence (and the existence of all the flatuating livestock that feed us) be the primary driver? And if so, could Mother Earth just be correcting to get rid of some of us?

Lastly, and most shockingly, is the evidence that some studies and some scientists that show global warming is NOT a threat are being muted by the larger scientific community. The Danish Committees on Scientific Dishonesty (DCSD) published a laundry list of offenses committed by Bjorn Lomborg in his book The Skeptical Environmentalist. The allegations were later determined to be largely without merit. A scientist on the Weather Channel has suggested on her blog that meteorologists who question global warming should have their licenses revoked. Read here. That will help with open dialogue.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

2007-04-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

Today is officially tax day. As much as you would like to forget the pain of paying taxes, I am asking that you remember it for as long as possible. It is by no means a coincidence that the tax deadline and Election Day are about as far apart on a calendar as possible. At 5 1/2 months (or 6 1/2 in the other direction), you are bound to forget your politicians' promise to spend your money wisely when you're writing the check to the IRS. Conversely, you will have forgotten how much you owed last year when Senator Smiley McLiar is asking for your vote in November.

My recommendation is to move Election Day to May 1st. I guarantee you the political landscape in this country would change dramatically.

The Professionally Insulted (part 2)

2007-04-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Noted documentarian Ken Burns has come under fire for his World War II series The War. Maggie Rivas-Rodriguez objected to the portrayal of Latinos in the documentary. They were not cast in a bad light in Burns' documentary, they were just not featured prominently enough. There are people in this country who apparently list their occupation as "Professionally Insulted". Ms. Rivas-Rodriguex, you are the next Al Sharpton.

I sincerely expect that the ACLU will be saving the day on this one (but maybe I shouldn't hold my breath). Are you kidding me?!? Is making a documentary about one of the horrors of the twentieth century now a popularity contest? I know for a fact that Latinos made a significant contribution to the war effort, but this kind of interference with free speech is intolerable.

So the rule in Hollywood is no longer "If you're going to show my people, you better show them in a good light" but "You have to show my people's contribution AND show it in a good light". The next logical step is for Rivas-Rodriguez to tell Ken Burns what documentaries to make in the first place. Will he be able to make a documentary about Football without making one about Futbol?

If I may be allowed to follow this ludicrous philosophy to its logical conclusion, Burns' documentary about Abu Ghraib will need to show impact of Latino soldiers. Heaven help Ken if he doesn't show Santos Cardona and Armin Cruz (two soldiers convicted in the scandal) in a good light.

Shock the Honky

2007-04-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

I will weigh in on the Don Imus alleged scandal and then, hopefully, never hear about it again. I say "alleged scandal" for two reasons. One, who the hell cares what Don Imus thinks? He's like the 17th highest-rated syndicated morning show. He's a very unpopular SHOCK JOCK. "I was shocked listening to that show". That's the flipping point, jerkwad. Two, what if Don Imus had called Kevin Federline a "nappy-headed ho"? Let's face it, the moniker fits. In that case, it would have gotten 6 seconds on The Soup and nobody would have heard about it again.

The answer why people care is that Imus' show is on MSNBC and Al Sharpton hadn't been on the news in a while. When Sharpton isn't eating donuts and sticking his fingers in electrical sockets, he's trawling the news for something about which to act indignant. He doesn't do enough(or doesn't publicize his efforts well enough) to keep girls from becoming actual whores. But as soon as some a-hole calls an innocent woman a ho, he jumps into a phone booth and emerges as Indignant Man! Boycotter of the Universe! (Sometimes he needs the Jaws of Life to get him out if the phone booth isn't a jumbo).

I will not defend the degradation of female athletes, but Don Imus is not running for the Senate. He's just an ass. Don't allow the misfortune of Rutgers women to be used as a poker chip with which Sharpton can buy back his Humanity Card.

Detroit: Mock City

2007-04-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

One of my loyal readers (OK, one of my only readers) has asked how American automakers can "fix" their current situation. Of course, the answer is obvious whether you want to hear it or not. The answer is: Stop Making Cars.

Staff reductions of 10% here and 8% there are not going to do it. Ford's "Way Forward" (I'll wait til you're done laughing) includes buyout offers of up to $100,000 for hourly employees to leave. They're going to pay them NOT to work. Aren't they already paying them to "not work" 23 minutes per hour? Aren't smoke-breaks and mandatory sick time eating into productivity enough? Here's my plan: staff reductions of 100%.

Auto makers' problems come from only three sources: employees, customers and managers. Whoops, that's a lot of sources. Customers are a problem because they want well-designed cars that don't break and have attractive shapes. Damn them! Ford can not DO that! Employees are the problem for the reason that union members everywhere are a problem. They demand unreasonably high pay for unreasonably lackluster work. Frankly, lackluster is the goal for union employees, isn't it? If a union member makes it to "mediocre", he gets suspended and is given a talking to about making the others look bad.

The least forgivable, of course, is the management. They allow their companies to put out spectacularly boring cars that last half as long as imports. They also tacitly authorize what amount to the temper tantrums of unions. They should have followed Reagan's lead when he fired the air traffic controllers. There is enough unemployment in Detroit to instantly backfill every person fired. Additionally, granting defined-benefit pension plans 30 years after FDR made that most-colossal-of-all blunders is inexcusable. Now the company pays more salary/benefit expenses to people that DON'T work than they do to people who DO work.

So, That Guy, here is my answer. Shut Ford and GM down. Lay off every union fool. Let all current pensions expire. Wait 5 years. The UAW will resort to cannibalization (mmm, tasty beer-marinated fat guys). Start again with new employees (who now have a "reasonable" wage expectation) and for the love of Henry do NOT grant ridiculous benefits to every drill-pressing fool that walks in the door.

Oh, and try to make a car that doesn't turn into a swimming pool every time I run the air conditioner.

A muse me

2007-04-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

Here's your chance. Give me a topic and I will give you a way to look at it that should have been intuitively obvious to you as well.

I've opened up the comments to people who have not registered. You have no excuses left. Be my muse.

Killing two birds (again)

2007-04-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

So the entire cast of Ocean's Twelve is up in arms about the genocide in Darfur. "Why isn't the US doing anything?", they ask. They want us to get out of the "illegal war" in Iraq and get into a potentially deeper quagmire in Africa. How short our memory is. Does anybody at a Clooney party remember Somalia? Do they at least know someone who was in Black Hawk Down?

Let me get to the two birds part. The U.S. does not want to get involved. Sure a lot of liberals do. They are picturing us ending the conflict without any soldiers dying, any civilians dying, any enemy combatants being transferred to Gitmo, any janjaweed ending up in a naked human pyramid and the grateful refugees hugging Sally Struthers. Moreover, no Muslim leader wants Zionist crusaders going into another predominantly Muslim country. Have I convinced you that we shouldn't go there?

Now, who should? Think of a country that a) has a huge military, b) isn't already busy with a war c) is seeking respectability for being a major influence in world affairs. Of course, I'm talking about China. China recently sent a delegation to Sudan and to Darfur. Why isn't the great unwashed protester movement not demanding that China use some of our cheap toaster, trade deficit money to fund a "peaceful intervention"?

Solving the world's problems makes me tired. I'm going to bed.